Tuesday, August 19, 2014

100 days journey...

salam......
smoga semua sntiasa dlm redha Allah smpai syurga iA <3

lama giler x menulis....
dlm blog i means...
dlm diari sy sntiasa menulis.. haha..

urm.. these few days t'pikir satu perkara..
death..

uhuhuuu...

sejak badan x brape nak sihat sbb dengue n leptospirosis asyik t'pikir mati je..
2 mgg lepas kne admit 6 hari..
baru tau prasaan pt yg kne dengue..
mmg da x kan pandang remeh pt dengue lps nieh..haha

rasa sgt2 x larat.. cam x leh bangun 1st day tu..
huhu.. time tu kat rmh ank, akmal...
smgt mak akmal layan.. urut2 sluruh badan.. n x dilupa jugak anakku yana yg tolong picit2 kepala.. huhu...

n alhamdulillah bila da tghari tu rasa ok sket n bleh b'tolak balik from pasir mas to kuala berang.. mungkin utk mengelakkan jem, jalan yg waze tunjuk tu agk jauh.. 3.30 or 4 jam baru smpai rumah... lepas solat trus collapse balik... demam niey sgt2 high grade time pg, ptg n mlm... paling tinggi temperature 39.7... mungkin yg x documented ada yg smpai 40...

but it's a wonderful journey jalan2 rumah ank... yana, sue, aishah, wani, akmal...
xtually it's a surprise for balqis.. tp x kesampaian nak pi rumah dia sbb mmg x larat giler hari ke-2 tu..huhu.. aseef syg...

that's pengalaman raya yg x kan dlupakan slamanya iA...

urm... b'balik pd kematian...
smpai skrg pown masih rasa lemah2 sbnrnyer.. n lepas sejam b'diri je akn rasa nak pitam...
pandangan b'pinar2.. nampk bintang2, jadik kelam... rasa pening... maybe ada sisa2 anemia lg...

so.. skrg byk tido coz rasa x larat.. lps makan pown rasa mcm x mkn apa2.. mcm sluruh organ da x function.. semua organ da menyusut.. degenerate..haha..

n then sy t'pikir.. mungkin niey lah sign sy nak mati kowt.. haha.. sbb time kat mrsm kopu dulu pernah t'baca tanda2 org nak mati dlm 100 hari... huhu.. of coz i can't really remember the details.. but i guess kalo kte google bley je cari..

so.. sejak smlm wat azam baru... utk berubah dlm 100 hari niey... n mintak kat Allah at least bg sy 100 hari.. huhu.. this is the 2nd day...

it's not that i would really be a perfect person after this 100 days... not that confirm masuk syurga.. but i guess if i hav'nt change in this 100 days i would surely be in hell...

yup... there's only one thing that i would like to change in this 100 days... but it's a really troublesome, hard, difficult n a very very very chalenging thing to do... that's why it's required 100 days...

to prove to myself that i had already change... really2 change... for the sake of Him...

it's the sweet sour of jahiliyyah...
it's sweet at the begining, just on d sopt, on the dot...
then the outcome was very2 disgusting...

tringat last usrah with k.nasibah..
istiqamah... fussilat, ayt 30...

istiqamah tu kte just bleh wat lps kte da wat smtg dlm beberapa fatrah/ketika/masa...
means that kte kne paksa diri dulu... bila da konsistenly kte b'amal then kte baru msk fasa istiqamah..
smoga Allah jaga amal kita n kita mampu utk konsistenly jaga amal tu smpai syurga.. that's istiqamah... mujahadah dlm perasaan dan amalan.. walau x suka ttp kne paksa diri.. it's a kata kerja... not just perasaan...

n this 100 days would be masa sy memaksa diri...
it's a feeling.... so sgt ssh nak suppress..
it's something that always plays in my mind bila ada masa lapang walau sekejap...
so i really neads to make myself super dupper busy...

it's not something that i can tell anyone..
actually cuba utk bgtau k.shida, my x-naqibah bila this problem baru b'laku..
tp k.shida busy sgt... huhu.. so that whole day i just menangis n trus menangis.. from sblm zohor smpai isyak... kat masjid dkt ngan rmh k.shida..

but.. sy mmg x kuat.. there is so many time that i've repent.. then over n over again it just keep on coming n won't go..

so this very 100 days... i would really2 change myself....
urm.. i really hope to get support from others..
i means.. just pray really hard for me..
walau x tau kisah sbnr coz i won't tell anybody about it...
n I also really hope that Allah x matikan sy dlm this 100 days coz i really2 want to change...

why smgt sy critakan smua niey.. coz it's as a prove.. i really2 have done everything that i could think of to get rid of this feeling but they just won't work... so.. i'll try to be hard, cruel to myself coz i know that it's a must... if not actually i'm being cruel to myself..

haha... it's complicated right...
if i'm not being cruel to my self in this world i would be cruel to myself in akhirat..
n we all know that this world are a fatamorgana... mcm chipsmore.. kejap je ada...
n akhirat tu kekal abadi n that's it..
x der kompromi kat sna.. kalo neraka slma-lamanya maka begitulah kesudahan slma2nya..

this few days tadabur surah at-taubah n it's really make me shakes with fear.. i means.. walau da beratus2 kali ulang surah at-taubah niey (i'm being sarcastic about the number...) sntiasa ada prasaan yg baru.. smakin baca smakin takut... coz dari sejak awl ditarbiyah lg.. 1st year bln ramadhan.. skrg da 5th year... it had been 4 ramadhan... means.. niey tahun kelima ditarbiyah iA... i'm really2 afraid of ayt2 tentang org2 munafik..

coz i know i won't fall in the kafir category coz sy mmg muslim sejak lahir... but i can either fall in munafik or muslim... munafik tu walau dia muslim tp Allah sntiasa letakkn dia dlm ketogeri kafir..

n balasan kat neraka pown org munafik trima lg parah dr org2 kafir... org2 munafiq akn dpt balasan neraka tingkat 7... yg paling bawah.. yg paling panas... the core of api nraka... sdgkan asap api neraka je pown da mampu utk m'gelegakkan otak.. da x t'bayang betapa azabnya api nraka utk org munafik niey..

n dlm quran Allah mcm x bg kata putus... kalo Allah ampunkan tu baek bg mereka.. kalo Allah x ampunkan b'sama lah dorg ngan org2 kafir..

so.. it's a very unstable position...

 i really2 hope that Allah save me.. coz sy hanya ada Allah skrg... please dear Allah.... Help me from the hellfire....

that's all... wish me luck.. iA smoga Allah kuatkan sy n menambah kekuatan sy setiap hari coz smakin hari bnda niey akn makin mencabar... it's like potong bawang... lagi dlm lagi pedih.. so sy sedang menyiat2 hati sy.. n makin dlm makin menyakitkan... i know that i will hurt.. so much that it may also effect others... mungkin mood sy x kan bagus sgt.. rasa nak marah semua org.. rasa nak nangis... rasa nak bazirkan duit sesuka hati, makan, jalan2.... i don't know what will happen in this very 100 days.. but i'll try really really really hard to change my self...

sy pown da tua.. x isi borang BM lg salah satu sebabnya sbb benda niey.. coz i don't want to be cruel to him.. n to myself... so.. i would really change myself n after this 100 days kalo Allah hidopkan sy sy then iA sy isi borang..haha.. i really hope that this journey would save me.. iA.. ameen...

smoga semua dlm redha Allah..
smoga yg non-muslim smuanya masuk islam...
huhu.. sy sntiasa doakan bnda niey walau i know it's impossible..
but i akn bayangkan wajah2 yg non-muslim yg sy kenal stiap kali b'doa...
i really hope that at least one day... they would kaji islam n surely they would love it...

salam syg.....

2 comments:

wani ismail said...

Gud luck,mak..:-)

Nur said...

<3 jzkk ank...